there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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