I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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