Farmville is her only friend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
