I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
