You just made me feel so damn special
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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