So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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