What a fucking waste of an outfit
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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