Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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