I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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