Moan for me like Helen Keller
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
