My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
