I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
