So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Never underestimate the power of titties
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
