i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
