It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
