Do you still have your period?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
