I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
