Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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