I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
