I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
