the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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