u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
