Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
