I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
They are going to name an STD after you.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
