I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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