Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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