i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
