Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
two words: eviction party
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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