i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
