How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Is Oprah even human
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
