I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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