It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
