why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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