Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
