Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
