You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
