Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
