wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
