Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
