just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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