if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
