I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
