you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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