Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
