ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he thought i was a dude.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
