considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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