And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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