He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
