I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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