Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
