Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
